by Claude Chabot
The people know.
I have to be careful—they listen, they hear . . .
. . . and I’m afraid for the little girl. And Charlie.
They keep me here, but I flee often only to return. Their voices guide me—but they are wicked guides, hateful voices, they protect me, but only for their own ends.
I close my eyes to keep out the sounds I don’t want to hear. I put down my pen because I have to listen . . .
They don’t like me at the market when I call they say it’s her again they cup their hands on the receiver but I hear them say it’s her again it’s her again. Charlie told me last week he was coming today to bring me tomatoes fine lovely, late summer ones that’s all I want but when I call they say it’s her again. They make me sad that they think I’m loony but I’m not but now I hear her I hear her I hear the little girl crying so sad I think they have the little girl she’s crying now for days oh what to do what to do. It’s the people again the people.
The Ailanthus in the alleys now have so much color in autumn they grow straight through the macadam and shade my small apartment. I’m quiet quiet the neighbors never hear me see me they’re away now I see things that most people don’t I watch through a louver in one shutter I know no one will believe me about the little girl she was crying this morning the little girl. I live like this I have to if anyone knows me or sees me they laugh they laugh so it’s better inside with the kitties and the old movies and my books and typewriter I don’t go out except at night to run and run and I know they think I’m a loony old lady. The hippies say I’m not so old but the money comes every week I don’t know what to do with it I don’t care for worldly things I have my kitties my movies my stories to write and use a little coin and put the rest in a secret place . . .
The birds flutter on and off the Ailanthus I wonder if they find enough food the little girl does she get enough to eat? I heard the little girl again yesterday but now I hear nothing I sweep I dust Charlie brings the groceries I don’t need much not too much just a little food and saké and the kitties I could have twenty or even more but the people won’t let me they give me these headaches and I don’t know myself. I have everything I need here my books my books keep me company and a little drop just a little drop and going out late even here in the Village late at night you can go out and no one is around and I run and run and run in the cool air the still quiet streets. No one sees me no one can it’s dark and I come home and make a bowl of parsnips and take a snort just a little one and give the kitties some parsnips they love them then go to bed and wake up and the sun is shining. I’m lost like a shadow person coming out at night hiding from the world and the people the people always watching and the voices telling me I’m no good.
Charlie is coming today my babies my kittens I love you so much they nuzzle me they love me I see the light coming in through the shutters I see it so clear so bright the blue sky above Patchin Place. Sometimes I hear the lady prisoners yell out for help so loud from the House of Detention I think maybe I’m a prisoner too . . .
I should wash my hair I can look nice I can I just don’t try so hard I just stay inside mostly and get sloppy with myself. A long hot bath and my salt and pepper mane clean and brushed I have some lipstick that’s right I have a hard time just keeping it on my lips oh that’s too much I’ll dress in white khaki shorts and a gray T-shirt for Charlie. They used to say I was beautiful maybe in some way I still am when I look in the mirror I’m pleased the beautiful hair the soft sagging skin I may be loony but I’m pretty in my way I think Charlie said so yes. The buzzer rings it has to be Charlie and it is oh it is kittens oh the buzzer Charlie Charlie is it Charlie? Yes yes is it you Charlie your sweet voice in the intercom and Charlie laughs and he shouts I’m coming up! I clap my hands Charlie is a kind boy a wonderful boy maybe today I will have Charlie in so he can come in can’t he my kittens? My babies look at me rub against me I scratch their heads.
I look out at the hallway through the peep hole and see him coming down the hallway oh Charlie what have you brought I ask opening the door ever so slightly he looks surprised because I never open the door. It’s Charlie with the food kittens it is it is your food and mine oh Charlie Charlie how wonderful! What are in the two brown paper bags I’ve got you some surprises Rapunzel now that you’ve surprised me. Charlie calls me Rapunzel my name is Amanda but he calls me Rapunzel or Lady Amanda because he says it’s as if I live like a queen in a tower. I clap my hands again so happy because Charlie is a lovely boy lovely boy I feel fine with him so wonderful Charlie Charlie what do you have oh yes yes come in and put the things on the little table in the kitchen. He looks astonished so I say do you want a ginger beer Charlie is so busy but he takes time with me I tremble with a hand to my lips my eyes staring at all the wonderful things he’s brought the ripe tomatoes and lemons and croissants and Roquefort cheese and endive and pickles pickles sour pickles oh Charlie Charlie you brought the pickles! I bring Charlie a ginger beer.
But I start thinking maybe oh maybe Charlie can help oh come Charlie leave the groceries take my check for the food now we have to find the little girl. Charlie smiles at me oh Charlie Charlie you believe me you you do believe me? He knows I was in hospital but he never says and he tries to be nice and never tells me what he really thinks but I think somehow Charlie believes I’m not crazy even if I’m not sure myself. He’s asked me if I’ve called the police and I ask him what can I tell them that a little girl is crying? Call the police he tells me call the police if you believe what you hear the police will believe you. No no Charlie they won’t they won’t.
I hear the little girl I hear the little girl Charlie do you want to help me find the little girl now you can you know. I haven’t told you but I think I really know where she is she’s crying for help come Charlie help me help the little girl. Charlie I hear her now don’t you? I don’t know about the little girl where she is from if she sees me or where her mother is I don’t know her but I hear the little one she cries so sadly the little girl.
Charlie looked at me listened just a little then he asked if I thought I knew where the little girl is then why haven’t I told someone I’m telling you Charlie I shout and that second just that one second he looked so unsure of me his handsome face a little clouded and I told him Charlie I’m not sure I’m never sure where the crying is coming from it seems to come from several places don’t you think so too? Maybe you can help me find her maybe you can help me help the little girl. He smiled and looked relieved Maybe we can finally solve this and you’ll feel better and we’ll get help for her. I worry sometimes when you tell me these things Rapunzel. Charlie smiled. Charlie is a good boy a lovely young man so good so tall he’s going to help me find the little girl.
Where should we look, where should we look Rapunzel? Charlie put his head down stopped smiling looked serious and told me I want to help you I do I’ll help I know it’s important I know it’s serious to find the little girl. Charlie is sweet so sweet but I think he delivers groceries because he’s a little simple but he’s nice to me and he wants to help. Charlie is a nice boy but a fool I can’t help but think and they say fools rush in I mean Charlie he rushes in Charlie has always been nice to me but why do I have to depend on niceness why do I have to care about what others think the people tell me what to do the people the people the people . . . I want to tell Charlie please stop the people telling me what to do . . .
I have to make the voices quiet so I say you can’t tell anyone about this Charlie I know you wouldn’t want to but you would you have to because you’re a good boy. You’ll have to help the little girl protect her protect the little girl. I close the door check for my keys and wave to the kitties who look at me curiously and we walk down the dark quiet hallway Charlie and me no one is around during the day and we come close to the stairs the dark stairs at the back so quiet so dark so black and the people telling me now yes now you fool it has to be now you have to now now now now now I don’t want to hurt him but the people told me to and then a little push and he stumbled forward . . .
~~
I lie in the hallway under the stair landing hidden I open my eyes and wonder how I am here staring at the ceiling no one is around they all go to work during the day and then work late and stay out late so I never hear anyone and no one hears me. I hope I can still make extra money doing the neighbors’ laundry I don’t need it but it makes me feel happy doing the laundry making things clean and I sweep too I’m very careful to watch that no one is in the passage when I come out I have to be careful no one can see me no no one. I think I’ll have to go away soon because of Charlie they’ll find Charlie and blame me oh oh my babies . . . we’ll all have to go my babies and me because of what I did to Charlie poor Charlie poor Charlie.
No one sees the bottom of the stairs there’s only one entrance and it’s so dark even on a bright day you can’t see the bottom and the super never looks there he’s so lazy but I don’t think it hurt much he never cried out but he was silent then never calling or anything the voices got quiet and now the little girl stopped crying. Charlie was nice but always drank a little I went back to my little apartment a little dizzy and open the door I say come little babies I’ll get some kibble for you . . .
But inside there is someone standing there someone so terrible a dark figure standing in the hallway shadows oh Charlie Charlie oh my lord Charlie is here inside my apartment and he called me and I’m afraid but I went to the kitchen and he was holding the hand of a little girl a little girl a tiny little girl quiet now so quiet oh Charlie Charlie. Lady Amanda she was in the basement tied to a pipe in back locked in a little room. She said her mother goes to work every day and leaves here there to be safe because she can’t pay to have someone stay with her. Oh Amanda you’ve been right all along, all along, I’m glad you gave me that little push so I’d go and investigate, oh Amanda you’re a hero, I mean a heroine!
I looked up at Charlie and at the tearful little girl and wondered what had happened. You must have fainted Amanda you fainted right after you pushed me to find the little girl I came back up and I couldn’t find you and then I brought the little girl back here and I was going to look for you. But I was right nearby Charlie near the steps on the dark side of the stairwell to the roof you think I’m crazy Charlie like all the others but he hugs me and says I believe you now we have to call the police and get the little girl help they have to know what has been happening this little girl kept in the basement room while her mother was at work.
Charlie understands I’m not bad as the voices say I’m not bad like the people say I’m not bad I’m not bad I saved the little girl the police thanked me I saved the little girl. Now the little girl is saved the crying has stopped and Charlie is going to help me go back to my doctor oh Charlie I’m happy and tonight I’ll dream a sweet dream of my love my love is in my dreams and my kittens asleep beside me on my bed oh Charlie Charlie thank you thank you!