by Adonis Diaz
When your doctor tells you
“It’s time to get back on an antidepressant”
You begin to wonder
What you did wrong
You begin to ask yourself
If you can remember a time
Where you felt joy
Or simply okay
You wonder if there was ever a time that you didn’t hear a hollow symphony
Of ribs chattering during panic attacks that happen every time you leave the house
You spent years in therapy
With journals and affirmations
Meditation and yoga
Kept your best friend in the loop
Because she once said “We never see you anymore”
Nights of holding your cat to your chest
Because pseudoscience says that purrs have healing powers
You did everything right
Just to end up
Back at the starting line
As the name of a medication you don’t know how to spell
Pours out of your psychiatrist’s mouth
Earthquakes of pulse rattle in your ears
Is this your own fault?
Did you break something in your youth?
Too reckless of a toddler
One too many blows to the head
That started letting the serotonin seep out
Countless fistfights with your brother
He won so many of them
Maybe that is why
He is so well-adjusted
Why he has never had to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist
You claw through your memory
Trying to figure out what you could have done differently
Or if there was a sign you ought to have noticed
The unfinished meals
Your late growth spurt
Forgetting to brush your teeth twice a day
Wondering if even more shame would have done you some good
You comb through the possibilities
Unable to come up with something that fixes it all
Leaving you with nothing else in your hands
No solutions
No answers
Just a prescription
Your doctor tells you
“It’s time to get back on an antidepressant”
So you drive to CVS
And pray to something out there
In silence
Stand in line
In soundless devotion
Hoping they can bless the contents of a brown paper bag
With some type of magic
Consecrate the first dose
Into a miracle drug that fixes all of the things you must have done wrong