by Maria Segure

cemetery-smHe was still now. I stared at him for a long moment. As much of a moment as I could bare. He was still. I could feel my anger rising. My irrational, unexplainable anger. And I felt helpless too. Because I did not want to be here.

I don’t believe that I have ever met someone like him. He was a ball of talking laughing and teasing energy. But he was very sensitive as well. And deep within my heart I hate him. I hate that this frenetic silly ball of energy is lying here motionless in front of me. The normal reaction for most people would be tears. I’ve never done a normal thing in my life. And if I did, it was usually followed by chaos.

He pushed his way into my life. I only knew him for two years. That’s it. And I am standing here at his coffin thinking about how much I didn’t know and all that I am finding out in his absence.

I cried finally when I saw a mutual friend who I hadn’t seen in quite some time. I heard someone say “Oh no, I don’t want to see anyone crying” or something stupid like that. It’s a funeral. People cry. And these were my first tears about his death so I know they were messy. But I appreciated my friend’s strong arms. And there were other friends who saw the tears or had tears of their own and we comforted each other.

I have tried to understand my anger. I have tried to come to terms with the sudden loss in a way that makes sense. I don’t know how to do that. Maybe I am asking for too much too soon. The unresolved narrative of our friendship will remain unresolved. His requests of me will remain unfulfilled. I am still very angry that I am standing here saying goodbye.  And I will continue to feel a sense of guilt that our last conversation was never completed. That my answers were never received. There’s always a sense of regret when loss is sudden. Today, as I look at him for one last time, I have regrets.

Death does not belong to the dead. It is a concept that only the living have to grapple with, and so I leave with my tears and anger to deal with this greedy hostile concept I call the permanent goodbye.


Category: Fiction, Short Story, SNHU Creative Writing, SNHU online creative writing, SNHU Student