By Joanne Eskreis
I have to let you know how you look to me right now, holding and rocking you; you are so tiny. I watch you sleep peacefully, no movement other than sucking and the sudden jerks as you go deeper into sleep, while letting out a soft moan. My eyes burn from the overflow of tears down my cheek; vaporizing as they hit the air. You reach up with your small hand and touch my face. Your eyes begin to flutter as your tiny body moves into a stretch; a soft and sweet whimper comes from your beautifully formed lips. Waaaaa, you cry, trying to verbalize a diaper change, hunger, or telling me to hold tighter. Waaaaaaa, louder letting me know you need to be heard.
You are my sweet girl and you have to always remember you are deeply loved. I have to tell you I will miss you every day of your precious life. My beautiful girl, I am so sorry I have to leave you while you are so young. This is something you won’t understand now, but hopefully you will when you get older. Hopefully you will forgive me and believe that I didn’t want to leave you – I fought very hard to stay. I’m holding you in my arms while recording this special moment for you on video, as you will receive others throughout your life for some precious moments I will miss sharing with you. Making these videos are giving me an opportunity to feel like I am there sharing your joy and as well as made to remind you that I am with you always. Watching them will always keep us connected…I pray this.
I see your bright blue eyes open wide gazing into mine as a sudden calmness relaxes your body. Your small hand reaches up to wrap around my finger that is rubbing your beautiful face. You hold on so tight like if you let go your momma will disappear. A burning sting forms from the corners of my eyes as you appear to smile up at me, but it must be gas because you are so small, unaware of how to control the small parts of your body with your emotions. Your momma will miss seeing that happen because she will be gone. Although she will watch you from a place where you are not able to see her visibly, you will feel her always, my sweet angel.
You are my first, a child who your father and I tried and wanted for years to fulfill our lives and dreams, out of a love overflowing in our hearts; and you were created out of that love. You brightened our lives during the ultrasound when we first heard your heartbeat. You made our hearts jump and race with the excitement knowing you were growing inside of me. You kicked, you moved, you screamed to announce your arrival; you will never know the tears we cried for you out of joy. Your eyes opened briefly responding to our voices that you must have recognized, calming you. Wrapped in my arms, nervously I barely moved not to break or hurt you. Your father reached over to you with a trembling hand, gently touching your face, your soft new skin. Watching you sleep, hearing you cry, and feeling your heartbeat was all we wanted to do; what we waited so long for.
The words are so hard to say…your momma is dying, know that these words come from my lips with a heavy heart and uncontrollable tears, as you will see when you watch this later in your life. It will be very soon, I’ve been sick for a while, but so suddenly. The doctors have tried, but say there is nothing they can do. I’m looking at your sweet face now and knowing I will not be with you and it breaks my heart; I feel so much pain, so deep. How can my heart be torn like this, how fair is this? I have a million questions, as I know you will, as well. You are only a few months old. I looked forward to the future with you, giving you a brother or sister for a playmate, a best friend, someone to support you when you were mad at me and your daddy and to cry with you after your first breakup. I dreamt of watching you grow into the beautiful, smart and amazing girl I know you are going to be.
I am imagining, now, your sweet voice as I hear you say your first word, say Momma for the first time, listening to you tell me about school, your friends, your first crush, and singing. I am picturing you smiling your first real smile, laughing, crawling slowly across the floor, pulling yourself up, taking your first step, dancing at your first dance, walking down the aisle at your wedding; oh, you have to know how beautiful you look in your gown. I can see everyone stand as you appear with your daddy, arm in arm, smile so big, so beautiful with the glow of an angel, eyes sparkle like the diamond earrings I left for you. The Wedding March plays in the background; your feet move along with the sound and your daddy’s feet, your dress swaying with your body and movements, the veil slightly hiding your features, drifting down the back and across the floor. I picture you – you are an angelic vision, more lovely than any bride I’ve ever seen, a glow of light encompassing you, embracing you, reflecting from you radiating the room.
My eyes are burning because I know you will not have your momma there to help you get dressed, hug you when you are hurting and hold your hand through the heartfelt moments. The pain is too much right now for me; my heart is breaking in two…Oh my beautiful child, I cannot leave you, I don’t want to leave you. I am watching you through my tears and broken heart; all pieces of my heart will be in yours. I promise to watch over you every second, come to you in spirit at every moment you need me, hold you while you go through pain or sadness, and my beautiful child, your daddy will love you for us both. You have a wonderful daddy, who loves both you and me so much. He is the best man I have ever met. He will always be good to you. Please trust your daddy, love him, listen to him, and allow him to be there for you as your daddy and mommy. He will be both of us. Both me and him. See me in him, my baby.
I hear you cry and imagine you holding your first child this way, giving all of your love and heart to her. It makes me pray that you will always be healthy; that you will be holding your first daughter with the same love, embracing and welcoming a new beginning of motherhood. I imagine you touching her face this way, kissing her sweet head like this, holding her closer to your heart so she could feel the overflow of love just for her, allowing it to pour from you into her the way I’m doing to you at this moment.
I look to the side of the room, a beautiful angel appears in a bright robe; a glow so bright fills the room along with the sweetest aroma. She is walking over to me reaching out her hand. Beautiful choirs of angelic voices radiate around you and me as this angel approaches, smiling because your momma is going to paradise. It’s time, my sweet beautiful daughter; I have to leave you, and my heart aches, the tears burn like the pain I am feeling. At this moment you open your eyes, curl your lips, tears form from your eyes and you cry; holding tighter to your momma’s finger like you knew what was happening.
Your daddy comes to take you from my arms, I watch him bring you close to his chest, hands and body shaking from his own uncontrollable sobs, growing stronger as he holds you tight, watching me. Oh my child, you could not feel love any greater than at this very moment. It surrounds us, it is comforting while seeking into our pores, our hearts, connecting us forever…through eternity, where we will be together again one day. I know you will feel his heart love you; remember his promise to always protect you. Remember my child I live in him as well, I will be part of you both. I feel the end approaching as my breath slows along with my hurting heart. I am so tired, my beautiful daughter. I glance one last time to your daddy, closing my eyes, I faintly hear his voice say goodbye to me through his sobs, softly but trembling. I hear a soft cry come from your sweet, small lips, fading as I feel my body grow limp. Through the angelic voices you will hear, Goodbye my sweet angel, your momma loves you forever, as the angel takes me to heaven.
Category: Fiction, SNHU Creative Writing, SNHU online creative writing, SNHU Student